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Transforming Parenting: Shifting From Negative To Positive

November 06, 2023•4 min read

“It is OK. And you can survive it. Even better, you can learn to thrive and transform into the kind of parent you wanted to be. ” - Sarah Munn

Changing your parenting mindset from negative to positive - especially if your kids drive you nuts.

So this isn’t the life we chose? Why did I get the difficult children? Why don’t my kids follow me around like ducklings at the shops and have civilised tea parties while crafting and then tidying up.

Well hey, I get it. My kids would split me in 2 running in different directions in the supermarket, leaving me crying in the fruit isle. They would get every single toy out (and crackers from the pantry) and spread them around the house……for years. It was relentless when they were little, it was often really fucking depressing, isolating and upsetting. Have faith though, they came good later on, just not at the same time as our friend’s kids start to settle down and listen. Because our kids have these brains, impulses and responses that just have a different agenda. And that’s OK.

It's OK

It’s OK, all that spirit and that energy. But how do you cope with the negative feelings you may have whenever you get back to the car, wrestle them into car seats, and then sit and weep as the meltdowns or fighting erupt in the back.

It is OK. And you can survive it. Even better, you can learn to thrive and transform into the kind of parent you wanted to be. It does take time, commitment and often mentoring, to work it out. There are different tools we can use to transform from a negative mindset to a more positive outlook on life. The same life. Just a different way to look at things. As Wayne Dyer famously said ‘when you change the way you look at things, the things you you look at change’.

Not the life we chose

So the grief over your imperfect children needs processing. The challenges of ‘are you good enough?’ or ‘did you deserve this?’ need to be faced. Often deeper held beliefs and barriers are in your way. A whole lot of shit from our own family of origin and social culture. Some people even wonder if it’s karma or bad luck.

What’s your Archetype

But consider this. What if it is exactly the family you should have had. What if it’s actually good luck and good karma. What if you have all the skills and abilities you need, but you can’t tap into them. What if you have the ‘Teacher’ archetype and need to let this side of you thrive in the role? What if you have the ‘Nurturer’ archetype or the ‘Caregiver.’ These need to be facilitated to flourish. But we also need to balance them with the other aspects of life, so we don’t drift into the shadow side of the ‘Martyr’ or the ‘Victim’.

I have found considering my archetypes really helpful in transitioning into being my true self and thriving in my life which includes my family, includes my responsibilities around being the parent of a child with disabilities, includes attending all the appointments, meetings at school, and hospital visits.

Taking the right steps with confidence

These things are only a part of my life as it has become more balanced. I am also a friend, a lover, a worker. It is the same for you, even if you have very young children and a lack of balance compared to life pre-kids, or things have changed a lot since a particular child came into the family. This is all part of the transition to parenthood, or a bigger family. You can still plan for a future when you find your identity again, even if it’s excruciating for you right now. Or maybe you know you are in limbo and standing on the threshold of becoming a better parent, and a better you, but need help to take the right steps with confidence.

I have walked this journey, my path is well worn, and I really love to support other parents in this transition. Seeing the lightness spread from the parent and through the family and the community at large is one of the greatest gifts I receive through my work. It always inspires me when parents transition into a better version of their current self. This work is not for everyone. It’s hard. It’s soul searching. It needs commitment. But if it’s calling you, let me know and we can meet online or in person to get you cracking.

Parentingparenting mindsetparenting challengersmindful parentingparenting perspectiveparenting beliefsparenting transformationparenting goalsparenting resilience

Sarah Munn

Sarah Munn is an AHPRA Registered Occupational Therapist who has worked in health and education for over 30 years. Sarah is also an Animal Assisted Therapist and is the owner, CEO and clinical leader for Barefoot Therapists and Gadara Farm. Sarah specializes in working with parents on understanding neurodiversity, developmental disabilities and trauma to make family life more rewarding and joyful. Sarah has Autism, ADHD and PTSD and lives with her children who are also neurodivergent. Sarah has walked barefoot in many of her family’s shoes and has incredible empathy and understanding of client journeys and everyday challenges. She is also trained in Meditation, Trauma Sensitive Yoga and Reiki. Sarah has included animals, nature and farm work in the development and implementation of therapy programs since 2012 and is a leading occupational therapist teaching in this sector. Sarah supports therapists and educators to assess and train horses for therapy practice, and is competent in the use of Permaculture, Equiculture and Horticulture Therapy. Sarah blends a lifetime of lived experiences, clinical and personal learnings to bring a rich and enjoyable pathway for families, therapists and educators. She has created these amazing educational offerings with her Barefoot Therapists team of professionals including Occupational Therapists, Speech Pathologists, Art Therapists, Teachers and Dieticians. You can work directly with Sarah on her individual and small group coaching programs or access our online video courses. Feel free to browse through the learning options whether you are looking for possibilities and growth in your caring and supporting role as a parent, carer or professional.

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BOOK REVIEWS

Hagitude by Sharon Blackie

One of my less evidence-based and more woo woo choices which I recommend to people who are in the depths of the despair we call peri-menopausal, or heading into the more mature years.

Hagitude talks of the wisdom and acceptance of older age as women, and tells the myths and stories that surround us. Often as mothers we have our kids with additional needs at home longer, or forever. And unlike other kids still hanging around at home into their thirties and moving in with their partners, even having babies, some of our kids won't do that. They may not work, or have a purposeful activity every day, they may not drive, or be independent at home.

In these circumstances, that quest for self, for the sense of identity that we lost, for the search and essence of who we are, this acceptance and finding oneself in the greying years can be a magical transformation.

And the story telling in this book is a helpful and interesting addition.

The Well Gardened Mind by Sue Stuart-Smith

This book is an intelligent review of the history of gardening. It has recollections of famous psychologists and artists and the affect that gardens, nature and gardening had on their lives.

From Freud to Winnicott these stories remind us of the inherent nature of gardening within the life of human beings, and the positive and mindful properties of beauty, flowers and the pant, grow, harvest and cycle.

Stuart-Smith takes us back to the first world war and the gardens built among the rubble of the trenches, and to the elderly who cling on to their window boxes and pots to stay present when there is not much time ahead of them.Her addition of photos including, ironically, Freud on his bed in the garden, provide a strong visual to the stories and accounts in the book.

I loved this book for its inspiration to remember that gardening is intrinsically mindful and meditative. There are great examples of garden design which I can include when we make our gardens at the new farm.

I want to create safe spaces where people can feel both safe, protected and free, and Stuart-Smith provides good impetus for this. I want to create spaces where mindfulness will be easier, and where we can engage in activities which allow us to be present. Personally this book reminded me to get outside and get dirt under my finger nails.

A great benefit for me on days when I find meditation difficult due to dissociation which I sometimes experience. I will certainly get my boys in the garden for mindfulness as much as I can. As they get older their interest in my ideas is fading and their own passions take over. But this book reminded me to persist with having them gardening, however dorky and boring they may find it.

Because this is sometimes more accessible than a seated meditation.

Letting Go - The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins M.D., Ph.D.

This is a big book in so many ways. It is often referenced, packed with ‘aha’ moments and one of the cornerstones of this kind of modern thinking into our own process of letting go.

If you are working on letting feelings come up, noticing them, not judging them, and learning to let them go, then this is a good addition to your reading list.

Some parts I was a bit, ‘yes I already know this’, but then I would find myself thinking ‘Oh Gosh, that’s me, I can do that differently and get a more peaceful result.’

Well worth practicing these techniques if this kind of thinking suits your mindset. I would be surprised if many people didn’t take something away from this book. But it is long and maybe a good one for an audiobook road trip.

The Language of Archetypes by Caroline Myss

I loved romping through this 12 hour audiobook packed full of archetypes, mystery and magic. Not to mention historical characters, Queens and Goddesses, I now recognise as part of who I am.

If you like pure evidence-based, scientific information this definitely is not for you!But if you don’t mind suspending disbelief a bit, it is quite entertaining and is delivered in the form of her live workshops. Archetypes date back to Plato and were popularised in psychology by Carl Jung.

Caroline adds some modernisation to it all by extending beyond Jung’s 4 and 12, but I wonder if it waters down the pure form too much. Caroline has a quirky manner which is very straight forward.I love her and think it’s hilarious. A touch of that autistic witchy no-nonsense about her.

I can imagine she would irritate some people though.If you want to find out if she is for you she has a lot of short YouTube videos on archetypes you can start off with. I loved it, but I also took it with a pinch of curios, comedic salt.

Acknowledgement to Country

We Respect and Acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of Country throughout Australia and their connections to the land, sea and community, and recognise the land on which we work is home to the Bunurong / Boon Wurrung members of the Kulin Nation. We pay our respects to all Elders past, present & future.

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